Three months...and no posts. I must be the slowest blogger in the world! And what are my excuses this time?? A bout of viral fever( with symptoms like chikungunya), assorted tests and exams, and my daughter's dance arangetram....
I have come to realize, like most mothers, that my world, and my writing, revolves around my daughter. Not a good sign, for there is always the danger of stifling her with my love and attention! I know, most of my life is spent doing things for her, but surely there is something else. Or is it too selfish to even think about it? I guess old-timers would think so, but if I don't want to be an albatross around her neck, I guess I had better find something to do:-)
Most of my friends are either going through such an awakening, or are dreading the very thought of their children growing up and flying away! But, seriously,why should we try to fill our time with some activity that prevents us from facing our loneliness? Why does it seem so dark and gloomy? I personally think I have to look deep into that darkness...for it holds so much of me. If I cannot face myself, my fears, my insecurities, then how can I go through it to find meaning? A friend told me she was going for various classes because she could not be alone, it would make her think of things that upset her. By pushing the issue away, how can we deal with it? And deal with it, we must. There really is no choice but we would rather put if off, and then wonder why we feel so low, so depressed, and so heavy.
Instead of running around attending various classes and courses, I feel it would be better to reflect on what we already know, from experience and otherwise. Creativity is fine, but most women I know are already asking what do I do with this skill even as they are learning it! Why monetise everything? Why not enjoy creating something beautiful, and then learning to let it go by gifting it, or selling it? "Oh, I am not into making money"...okay, then give it away. "But most people don't really appreciate it"...why think of it once you have given it away? Recently, I spent a day with a friend, and every suggestion I made, everything I said, was met with such a retort. Frustrating, but I could understand her resistance, and her intense need to break the pattern. She knew she had to do it, but she was not willing to make the change.
It is indeed hard to break long-entrenched habits, but once you break through the resistance, it becomes so simple. And then, you do not have to worry that your children have grown up and no longer need you; you do not have to depend on another to satisfy your need for approval; you don't need to do things for other people in order to feel important. But you will do all that, because you love to:)
11 comments:
I too am in race with you, for the title of the world's slowest(and laziest, maybe) blogger.
Nice thoughts. It's true for me too, that I fill up my empty moments with things to do, or read--so that I don't have to look at the emptyness, the darkness, the aloneness. Maybe there's a heavyness in our daily routine, which binds us and prevents us from peering into that aloneness.
But what gifts await us there? What powers wait for us, what illumination expects us, what awakening is in store.......only those who've dared to look within have come to know.
True,we will find out what awaits us there only when we have the courage to look inside:) And it has to be done, one day or the other...till then we will keep running around like headless chickens!
Hey Welcome to the club !!!! all the best ......
Think its strikes the core of identity. every time there is a lifestage which threatens to disrupt this identity one ends up having thoughts like this. whether its marriage, a child, a location change, a child growing up. it depends on what you have defined yourself by - if it is a mother, the act of not being a hands-on, full time mother is fraught with emptiness i spose.
@fruitu: Thanks:)
@Cynic: Very true..every stage in life brings up these issues as you so rightly said. So who am I? How do I define myself? - very profound questions!
Thanks for this post.
The identification part - I think once you are a mother, there is a huge societal pressure to identify yourself first and foremost as one. Which prolly explains so many women I know you are constantly torn by guilt. And if they aren't, then they are made to feel guilty for not feeling more guilty:-)
Motherhood is still an area where we don't really appreciate any diversity or different ways of being.
Same size fits all makes everyone happy - except some:-(
Same size does NOT fit all, Shalini- very very true! But we would probably be burned at the stake for even thinking that! As you say, guilt makes most women push these thoughts deep inside where they continue to fester...
very nice u ve here!!! glad i found it.. :)
Thanks Matangi, and welcome:-)
The long pauses do not matter, as long as there is some chatter in the midst.
Awakening post! Certain things are best experienced by oneself and not by cajoling. Imbibition could work, as well. It is a hard thing when you realize that the child you fawned upon for everything grows its own wings in the meanwhile. I am realizing it slowly.
Thanks,RamMmm:) Letting go IS hard, but it is necessary...I only wish it was not so hard!
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