I wish I could
Put away everything -
This life, these experiences,
The emotions, the challenges -
Everything,
And curl up and sleep,
Floating gently on the waters of Life....
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Aruna
Yesterday I lost a friend.....
Aruna, with her wide open smile and twinkling eyes brought such freshness to our lives. She faced all the challenges in her life with a smile, even cancer.
I remember meeting her after her first chemotherapy cycle. She had lost all her hair, but not her infectious laughter. She kept laughing and giggling over many things, and I came away feeling happy and hopeful, even forgetful of why I went there in the first place!
She put up a brave fight, but the last time I saw her, over a year ago, she looked a ghost of her former self. She had lost a lot of weight, and her smile was not as full and joyous as before. Her large dark eyes looked even larger in her gaunt face, and were full of pain. Even as she continued to smile, we could see that she had given up the fight.
So many times during the past year, I have wanted to visit her but something or the other would come up, and I put off the visit.
Yesterday, when I heard the news of her death, all I could feel was regret. Regret at not making the time to visit her, at not calling more often, at not telling her that I was there to share her pain, at not helping her through this very difficult time.... I miss you, Aruna, and I wish I had not let the mundane duties of my life come in the way of spending more time with you.
Aruna, with her wide open smile and twinkling eyes brought such freshness to our lives. She faced all the challenges in her life with a smile, even cancer.
I remember meeting her after her first chemotherapy cycle. She had lost all her hair, but not her infectious laughter. She kept laughing and giggling over many things, and I came away feeling happy and hopeful, even forgetful of why I went there in the first place!
She put up a brave fight, but the last time I saw her, over a year ago, she looked a ghost of her former self. She had lost a lot of weight, and her smile was not as full and joyous as before. Her large dark eyes looked even larger in her gaunt face, and were full of pain. Even as she continued to smile, we could see that she had given up the fight.
So many times during the past year, I have wanted to visit her but something or the other would come up, and I put off the visit.
Yesterday, when I heard the news of her death, all I could feel was regret. Regret at not making the time to visit her, at not calling more often, at not telling her that I was there to share her pain, at not helping her through this very difficult time.... I miss you, Aruna, and I wish I had not let the mundane duties of my life come in the way of spending more time with you.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Midmorning musings....
Three months...and no posts. I must be the slowest blogger in the world! And what are my excuses this time?? A bout of viral fever( with symptoms like chikungunya), assorted tests and exams, and my daughter's dance arangetram....
I have come to realize, like most mothers, that my world, and my writing, revolves around my daughter. Not a good sign, for there is always the danger of stifling her with my love and attention! I know, most of my life is spent doing things for her, but surely there is something else. Or is it too selfish to even think about it? I guess old-timers would think so, but if I don't want to be an albatross around her neck, I guess I had better find something to do:-)
Most of my friends are either going through such an awakening, or are dreading the very thought of their children growing up and flying away! But, seriously,why should we try to fill our time with some activity that prevents us from facing our loneliness? Why does it seem so dark and gloomy? I personally think I have to look deep into that darkness...for it holds so much of me. If I cannot face myself, my fears, my insecurities, then how can I go through it to find meaning? A friend told me she was going for various classes because she could not be alone, it would make her think of things that upset her. By pushing the issue away, how can we deal with it? And deal with it, we must. There really is no choice but we would rather put if off, and then wonder why we feel so low, so depressed, and so heavy.
Instead of running around attending various classes and courses, I feel it would be better to reflect on what we already know, from experience and otherwise. Creativity is fine, but most women I know are already asking what do I do with this skill even as they are learning it! Why monetise everything? Why not enjoy creating something beautiful, and then learning to let it go by gifting it, or selling it? "Oh, I am not into making money"...okay, then give it away. "But most people don't really appreciate it"...why think of it once you have given it away? Recently, I spent a day with a friend, and every suggestion I made, everything I said, was met with such a retort. Frustrating, but I could understand her resistance, and her intense need to break the pattern. She knew she had to do it, but she was not willing to make the change.
It is indeed hard to break long-entrenched habits, but once you break through the resistance, it becomes so simple. And then, you do not have to worry that your children have grown up and no longer need you; you do not have to depend on another to satisfy your need for approval; you don't need to do things for other people in order to feel important. But you will do all that, because you love to:)
I have come to realize, like most mothers, that my world, and my writing, revolves around my daughter. Not a good sign, for there is always the danger of stifling her with my love and attention! I know, most of my life is spent doing things for her, but surely there is something else. Or is it too selfish to even think about it? I guess old-timers would think so, but if I don't want to be an albatross around her neck, I guess I had better find something to do:-)
Most of my friends are either going through such an awakening, or are dreading the very thought of their children growing up and flying away! But, seriously,why should we try to fill our time with some activity that prevents us from facing our loneliness? Why does it seem so dark and gloomy? I personally think I have to look deep into that darkness...for it holds so much of me. If I cannot face myself, my fears, my insecurities, then how can I go through it to find meaning? A friend told me she was going for various classes because she could not be alone, it would make her think of things that upset her. By pushing the issue away, how can we deal with it? And deal with it, we must. There really is no choice but we would rather put if off, and then wonder why we feel so low, so depressed, and so heavy.
Instead of running around attending various classes and courses, I feel it would be better to reflect on what we already know, from experience and otherwise. Creativity is fine, but most women I know are already asking what do I do with this skill even as they are learning it! Why monetise everything? Why not enjoy creating something beautiful, and then learning to let it go by gifting it, or selling it? "Oh, I am not into making money"...okay, then give it away. "But most people don't really appreciate it"...why think of it once you have given it away? Recently, I spent a day with a friend, and every suggestion I made, everything I said, was met with such a retort. Frustrating, but I could understand her resistance, and her intense need to break the pattern. She knew she had to do it, but she was not willing to make the change.
It is indeed hard to break long-entrenched habits, but once you break through the resistance, it becomes so simple. And then, you do not have to worry that your children have grown up and no longer need you; you do not have to depend on another to satisfy your need for approval; you don't need to do things for other people in order to feel important. But you will do all that, because you love to:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)