What do I say?

It's been more than a year and a half since I last posted, and frankly, I don't know what i want to write now, either. So many blogs go silent after frenetic posting for some time. I sometimes wonder why. Is it because we run out of things to say? Or is it that we cannot sometimes share what we really want to say? Or do we lose that drive within us that pushes us to write, to share, to let the world know?

I don't know. All I know is that the last two years were very stressful and packed with so much to do, that I just lost the interest to write and maintain the blog. Besides, what is there for me to say? I don't have any defined topics, I am not writing on any particular subject, just random thoughts and experiences, and they sometimes dry up.

Sometimes, when you are focused on something, you exclude everything else. That is what happened to me. I was so focused on helping my daughter through school, and into college, that everything else came second. Now that she has cleared another peak (her XII Boards), and is doing extremely well in first year in college,and no longer needs me the way she did earlier, I am suddenly faced with the question - what do I do now?

For the past so many months I have been contemplating this question. I realize that sometimes the dreams you had for yourself as a young person, no longer appeal to you. I am in a kind of limbo, not inclined to accept the things that come my way and yet unsure of what I should do. Maybe I have to go through the limbo, maybe I just have to wait for the answer to come...

I wish.....

I wish I could

Put away everything -

This life, these experiences,

The emotions, the challenges -

Everything,

And curl up and sleep,

Floating gently on the waters of Life....

Aruna

Yesterday I lost a friend.....

Aruna, with her wide open smile and twinkling eyes brought such freshness to our lives. She faced all the challenges in her life with a smile, even cancer.

I remember meeting her after her first chemotherapy cycle. She had lost all her hair, but not her infectious laughter. She kept laughing and giggling over many things, and I came away feeling happy and hopeful, even forgetful of why I went there in the first place!

She put up a brave fight, but the last time I saw her, over a year ago, she looked a ghost of her former self. She had lost a lot of weight, and her smile was not as full and joyous as before. Her large dark eyes looked even larger in her gaunt face, and were full of pain. Even as she continued to smile, we could see that she had given up the fight.

So many times during the past year, I have wanted to visit her but something or the other would come up, and I put off the visit.

Yesterday, when I heard the news of her death, all I could feel was regret. Regret at not making the time to visit her, at not calling more often, at not telling her that I was there to share her pain, at not helping her through this very difficult time.... I miss you, Aruna, and I wish I had not let the mundane duties of my life come in the way of spending more time with you.

Midmorning musings....

Three months...and no posts. I must be the slowest blogger in the world! And what are my excuses this time?? A bout of viral fever( with symptoms like chikungunya), assorted tests and exams, and my daughter's dance arangetram....


I have come to realize, like most mothers, that my world, and my writing, revolves around my daughter. Not a good sign, for there is always the danger of stifling her with my love and attention! I know, most of my life is spent doing things for her, but surely there is something else. Or is it too selfish to even think about it? I guess old-timers would think so, but if I don't want to be an albatross around her neck, I guess I had better find something to do:-)


Most of my friends are either going through such an awakening, or are dreading the very thought of their children growing up and flying away! But, seriously,why should we try to fill our time with some activity that prevents us from facing our loneliness? Why does it seem so dark and gloomy? I personally think I have to look deep into that darkness...for it holds so much of me. If I cannot face myself, my fears, my insecurities, then how can I go through it to find meaning? A friend told me she was going for various classes because she could not be alone, it would make her think of things that upset her. By pushing the issue away, how can we deal with it? And deal with it, we must. There really is no choice but we would rather put if off, and then wonder why we feel so low, so depressed, and so heavy.


Instead of running around attending various classes and courses, I feel it would be better to reflect on what we already know, from experience and otherwise. Creativity is fine, but most women I know are already asking what do I do with this skill even as they are learning it! Why monetise everything? Why not enjoy creating something beautiful, and then learning to let it go by gifting it, or selling it? "Oh, I am not into making money"...okay, then give it away. "But most people don't really appreciate it"...why think of it once you have given it away? Recently, I spent a day with a friend, and every suggestion I made, everything I said, was met with such a retort. Frustrating, but I could understand her resistance, and her intense need to break the pattern. She knew she had to do it, but she was not willing to make the change.


It is indeed hard to break long-entrenched habits, but once you break through the resistance, it becomes so simple. And then, you do not have to worry that your children have grown up and no longer need you; you do not have to depend on another to satisfy your need for approval; you don't need to do things for other people in order to feel important. But you will do all that, because you love to:)

The Parting

It’s time to decide,
Clear-eyed, emotionless.
Time to split
The furniture, the books,
Even the children….
Vestiges of a marriage
Come to an end.

The cold counting
Of what goes where,
To whom –
A far cry
From the heady love
And impetuousness
Of early marriage.

Too late to analyze
What went wrong,
When, and how –
Too late to understand
Why the magic disappeared.

All one can hope for –
To get past the hate,
Past the anger,
To a state
Of calm acceptance

Joie de Vivre

Pushpa is in her mid-sixties. With her warm smile and trendy hairstyle, she does not look like a traditional grandmother. She has tried her hand at a lot of things – being a play school teacher, teaching spoken English to bored housewives, selling Tupperware. For the past few years, she has turned entrepreneur, selling home-made chocolates and block-printed sarees from home.

Sharada is fifty. Appearances can be deceptive, and Sharada’s traditional appearance hides the bubbling spontaneity of a child! Married to a creative artist, she is a very creative person herself. She is an accomplished singer and music teacher but that does not stop her from learning and doing new things. Recently she learnt archery (!) and also acted in a student film, just for a lark! She is a wonderful mimic and raconteur, and can keep you in splits with her tales!

What connects these two women is the fact that they both are cancer survivors.

What amazes me is their spirit and their spontaneous, joyous approach to life. Like so many others I know, they have been to the edge and have come back, not scarred, but filled with a love for life.

When I look at them, my own ennui and cynicism seem out of place. Is it necessary, I wonder, to face death in order to appreciate life?

Hi, I am back!

Have been missing in action, as Cynic says! Fact is, I did not expect to go off for so long. The exams and the holidays brought their own challenges, and so many things came up that I really did not find the time to sit and write...Like Vishwa, I ended up taking a sabbatical without really planning it!

Also, a lot of things that I would like to write about involve other people, and I am not sure if I can or should write about them. True, I can change the names, but many of them read my blog, and would understand who and what I am talking about. Is it fair to do so? I don't know. I sometimes feel I should have started an anonymous blog, like Cynic!

This is also not a blog about people I have known. It is about how I see things, how I experience Life....sometimes, it is not possible to tell all that I am experiencing and seeing,for the simple fact that most people will think I am crazy! That involves a careful selection of words and phrases, which sometimes hampers my style.

But I cannot abandon my "baby", as it were, so here I am folks, back from my self-imposed exile, and hoping to write some more!